(Self indulgent post ahead.)
Ever taken stock of your life and figured out that some thing’s not quite right? Maybe a perpetual sense of dissatisfaction or a nagging feeling at the back of your head reminding you that something’s amiss.
What prompted my soul search was something my sister said to me a while back. She has a knack of unwittingly hitting the nail on the head one too many times. She will do great things, that child.
Scrutinizing me in a funny grown up way, she wrinkled her nose and remarked, ‘You haven’t laughed in a while, have you?’
‘Huh?’. (I’m famed far and wide for my eloquence, I am.)
‘You haven’t laughed in a while. I haven’t seen you laugh in ages, you know’
And she was spot on. I haven’t been myself, in a long time. Too long actually.
So I chased away the fat lump of a cat on my bed and sat and thought. And thought. I was a little alarmed as to who I’ve metamorphosed into, the extent to which I’d changed and how jaded my life had become.
My ruminations finally led me to the conclusion that perhaps some time off would be the best thing. Academically, I’ve tentatively mapped out my stuff for the
next few years, few months, time being – at least until I get my next panic attack. *sheepish grin*
All I need to do now is figure out what exactly is missing in this life ‘o mine. I don’t expect an epiphany to drop into my lap and I’m definitely not expecting one of those movie moments where I burst into song and run through the streets of Colombo proclaiming to all and sundry that I’ve finally found a purpose to my life. But I just need to let go of the niggling feeling at the back of my mind: This feeling of constant restlessness and desolation and a desperate need for change. Because if I don’t do it now while I have the luxury of doing so, I’ll be lulled into placid complacency and before I even realize it, I’ll be 45 with a brood of bawling kids under one arm, a pot bellied husband under the other, with and a hit and miss job wondering where the jack my life went.
Obviously it hasn’t been easy explaining to most people why I’m straying away from the work and study option followed by the majority. A few friends understand but others – not so much. When asked why repeatedly by a host of incredulous people, it’s tempting to grin and reply ‘Because I’m still young… I’m a free spirit, baby.’
But obviously I don’t. So I just grin instead.
What plans now? I honestly don’t know.
During AL’s I had a list pinned to my wall – a list of all the stuff I wanted to do after exams. This list was one of the few things that kept me going. 5 months down the line and I’ve only ticked off a paltry 2 or 3 from the list. Getting at least more than half of this list done is one of the things I’d like to do. Some of it – actually most of it – will depend largely on my rapidly dwindling state of finances. We’ll see how it goes.
Apart from having classes twice a week I’ll be free for the rest. Hazy plans include a bit of traveling, a lot of painting, getting my long lost mojo and dear departed waistline back and copious amounts of social work.
Yes, ‘proper’ work does fit into the picture somewhere. Obviously I’ve no intention of depending on my parents for everything – again, we’ll see how it goes. For now, I’m deciding to play it by ear.
Because, for once in my life the bend at the road doesn’t bother me.
It excites me.