We sympathize with you, we do. Thanks to your father you have inherited a multitude of ailments. You have catarrh, an extra bone in your foot, alarmingly weak eyesight and the beginnings of what promises to be a spine problem in your middle age. Apart from these you also suffer from SSS (Severe Sleeping Syndrome) and the Foot in the Mouth Disease.
The latter especially, we noticed usually lands you into a lot of trouble. But last night we believe you surpassed yourself.
We have drawn up a list of the various howlers you made at the function you attended. The following information is accurate to the best of our knowledge.
- At the beginning of the said function, when you were extremely bored, surrounded by the barmy, overdressed army of aunts you caught sight of a friend who was smiling and making her way to you. With a visible sigh of relief, you got up, hugged her and exclaimed loudly, ‘Thank God you finally made it! I was so flippin’ bored.’
You forgot however that the bridegroom’s mother was in close proximity and upon noticing her glare, give her a weak, watery smile.
- When S, your friend, and R (who was newly introduced to you) were hanging out by the summerhouse on the bank of the lake, S pointed out an ex-flame of hers. You give him the one over and turn back and say, ‘Ah, he’s not as bad looking as you said he was’. R looks at you coldly and replies, ‘He’s my brother.’
3. While speaking to M and L, two sisters whom you know slightly, your conversation inadvertently goes onto an anti-international school rant. Then you realize that both of them are proud products of the particular school you are ranting about.
4. In the midst of the very same conversation above with L and M, you mention the name of a popular person in Colombo. You see their faces stiffen and it hits you that that said person is their aunt with whom they have a long-standing feud.
- Finally just before you leave, you have a chat with the Bridegrooms sister. You make small chit chat and then in a desperate attempt to fill the awkward silence, which will always fall, you tell her that you’re going to go up, wrestle the mike from the lady who is killing Elton John and sing instead. The smile on her face almost comically freezes.
Your mother hastily interjects, saying that of course the band is very good, and the music was exquisite and hurries you off before you make any more blunders. She then painstakingly explains to you that the sister of the groom meticulously chose the band and the singer was a good friend of the sister as well.
After realizing that you were a social hazard to everyone around, your mother dragged the rest of the family off home well before the baila session started.
We applaud your achievements! More bloopers please, we beseech you! It is people like you who have made our organization what it is today. And for that, we thank you from the bottom of our stomachs.
Yours in candour,
The Foot in the Mouth Society
Ps- Thankfully it seems as though your dad’s Bad Joke Gene has skipped a generation. We’re keeping our fingers crossed.
Pps- Nivard Cabraal called. He’s running for president of the society and wants you to be the secretary.
Note: Inspired by Jaclyn Moriarty’s very readable Feeling Sorry for Celia