Dearest Aunty X,
I’m glad I doused you. I wish I’d wet you more.
The thing is my hand slipped.
The cat did it.
You see, I don’t usually partake in most of the household chores. Most of the time, I’m that annoying individual who takes pleasure in pointing to a corner and saying “you missed a spot there” when you sweep. So when my mum asks me to water the plants in the garden I usually do it with minimum fuss because I feel guilty about my lack of involvement and well, I like making patterns in the air with the water. It’s pretty.
When you came out into the garden and tapped me on the back to tell me you that were heading off, I was taken by surprise. (Water patterns are more absorbing than you think) I didn’t hear you approach me and turned around in astonishment and well, soaked you (very briefly unfortunately) with the hose.
The fact that you unburden a vat of unnecessary and malicious gossip and take pleasure in leaving my mum slightly dejected after every visit had nothing whatsoever to do with this unexpected drenching. Neither does the fact that you keep telling her that I will die alone and miserable because I am “too tall to find a nice man to settle down with”. Absolutely nothing whatsoever.
I hope you have dried off now.
Please do visit us another time. I look forward to seeing you again.
Yours in utmost repentance,