It’s one of those days, today.
This year alone, I’ve been hospitalized once, sprained my ankle twice and today I go and cut my hand on the exhaust fan. I remember a lot of blood, feeling very numb and then blacking out briefly for a minute. My fingernails are shattered, there’s a dark clot formed on my finger and a lot of dried blood which I can’t scrape off. I don’t know why I feel it important to describe it to you. I think I want you to understand that I’m not making a big deal over a mere paper cut?
I don’t know if it was weeks of exam stress, all the blood or this being the proverbial straw on the camel’s back but I slipped into the bluest of blue moods. After M sent for my meds, and seeing that I was a little upset gave me a huge hug, and left for work, I curled into a foetal position sobbed like a baby.
Suddenly, I was tired of constantly looking out for myself. I wanted to rest my head on someone’s lap, have my head patted and just be comforted (nothing too profound. Just generic phrases of sympathy would have done). I wanted to be looked after and I was feeling completely, utterly miserable and ashamedly ‘little girl in a big world-ish’.
I was suddenly reminded of home. If this had happened back at home, my dad would have rushed me to our family doctor for a tetanus shot; my family doctor would have told me I’ve put on weight; my mum would have made soup; my grandmother would insist it was all evil eye and hide her worry by telling me about people who have died of similar incidents; the sibling would ply me with reading material and the cat would sit on my lap and purr my blues away.
It’s moments like this when I’m reminded that I’m so very alone in this country, without everyone I love. At times of crisis; I don’t have anyone to fall back on. Of course, I’ve made good friends, but I can’t keep relying on them all the time.
2011 doesn’t seem to be favouring me physically, I guess I need to have my game face on for the next few months and keep my fingers crossed.
Rant over. I just hope this horrible mood lifts soon and my hand heals in time for exams.